Following my last entry, I had some things going on at home which weren’t too pleasant. It thoroughly challenged what I believed and, in just one week after that entry, I found myself in a place where I felt helpless and without hope.
I became difficult to be around. I was irritable, my temper was short, and I would start crying at random moments of the day. I cared little about maintenance; my clothes were heaped on the chair, my bills left in a pile, and my skin went unattended.
Despite all that, I actually thought I was fine. I managed to still get to work and church and my life on the outside looked fine. I did know I was feeling down, a little sad, troubled and lost, but I thought I was fine.
It was a conversation with a friend last night that turned things around and made me realise where I was. It’s with refreshed eyes and a renewed mind that I’m now able to relate my experience with a sort of insight that wasn’t possible just yesterday.
The first we spoke of was about sorting my emotions and feelings out with God and understanding why I’m feeling these things. Because I hadn’t taken the time to deal with my emotions, I didn’t realise how affected I was, and how much my perceived assumptions were affecting my behaviour and the people around me.
Girls usually tend to be less disciplined in this area, thinking that it’s natural for us to be more emotional and therefore, ok for us not to deal with it. Truth is, having more complexities in feelings and emotions gives us all the more reason to sort them out and ask God to help us understand the reasons for feeling a certain way.
I have yet to settle this fully but recognising what needs to be done certainly helps to untangle some of the mess inside.
The second was about loving others not with human love, but with God’s love. Because human love is flawed, a mother’s love for her child, however great, will still carry conditions and expectations, however small they may be. When not fulfilled in the course of time, disappointment causes resentment and bitterness to grow and fester. It is only God’s love that is perfect, unconditional. With this perspective, I could put my judgement down and see my parents as human beings who have tried to love me the best they can with their human love.
I realised that I, too, had expectations of my dad and mom. It accounts for my harsh judgement of them and my unwillingness to let go of the hurtful words that had been said. I, too, had been loving them with my flawed human love: a love that expected them to be sensible in all they do and to appreciate me for my efforts.
It made me see that I actually had resentment building in my heart. And it was so because I wasn’t doing things for them as unto the Lord; I was merely doing things for them. The point is not to stop doing things for them, but instead to continue doing these things for them as unto the Lord.